I find it hard to write this. I have made multiple attempts, the remains tossed in the forge flames for my own sake as well as all of your's. I will not keep you long, as I hope that I have said everything I could want to say in person. I could not bear to leave anything important unsaid.
First. If Omega is still with you, please treat him kindly. Our hope is that, with the Emerald, he will not have to destroy himself in our attempt... but we are both aware of the risk. He will tell you otherwise, but know this was as much my doing as his. As a machine these things are complicated, but in many ways he is very young. As the elder, I pushed him to do what I felt needed doing. The idea was his, but I was the force of action in the end. I hope, Omega, if you are there, you can forgive me. I think I understand better the choice Hubert made. I will not blame you if you resent me as much as I've come to resent him.
Also, do not turn your hate upon Astarion. He had no part in my death. He was here to help with the weapon and nothing more. His silence was requested.
... it feels I should say more. But as I wrote before... I said all I think was important already. Know you all have my hope and affection.
My love. Stars in my night sky. I am so, so sorry. I knew the day would come where you would resent me. That I was inflicting a horrid cruelty upon you. But.. I found myself too selfish to try and end things with you. I was weak. My adoration for you was too strong.
I know what kind of woman you are, so I hope Quark took my request to heart and kept you from doing anything final. But even after the trial, no matter how it ended, I pray you continue- go to the stars, live fully. When I saw the dead you could tell I was upset... because it sprung a hope in me I could not afford. Saints, how hard it was to not tell you then. So many other times as well. I wonder if you noticed how my heart was quaking? I am not a good liar, I never have been. But I have some experience as an actor. And the way of acting over lying is... you pretend in your deepest heart it is real. During these last few weeks I convinced myself I would go with you. I wanted it, so so much. All I said to you and Quark was true. I ached for that future. I love you enough to keep living.
But if it is between me and you... well, you know me well enough.
I hope I can see you again, in happier times. But even if it is at the end of your chain I will be content.
It is a little funny. I fear Velvet's rage more than anything in this moment. But I fear your disappointment nearly as much. How foolish you must think me, after everything you told me. After everything I agreed with.
And I did believe it. I want to live. More than anything. I want to go to the stars with you and Velvet. I want to work at the bar and watch Velvet work on her crafts and find some goddessdamned peace. But every person that dies here while I dawdle is more blood on my hands... and I am so tired of blood. I know it is ridiculous, thinking something like this can wash some of it off. I am a fool but I am not stupid, I know it's nothing in comparison. And that even if it was that such things do not matter. No scale, no balance I can maintain and finally sleep at night.
But if I can make sure you get to return to those stars... I have to try. I do not expect you to forgive me. Not after Alex and the others. But I pray... if one day we meet again, that you do not hate me.
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timeasmymeasure
Everyone
Date: 2025-08-16 08:24 pm (UTC)First. If Omega is still with you, please treat him kindly. Our hope is that, with the Emerald, he will not have to destroy himself in our attempt... but we are both aware of the risk. He will tell you otherwise, but know this was as much my doing as his. As a machine these things are complicated, but in many ways he is very young. As the elder, I pushed him to do what I felt needed doing. The idea was his, but I was the force of action in the end. I hope, Omega, if you are there, you can forgive me. I think I understand better the choice Hubert made. I will not blame you if you resent me as much as I've come to resent him.
Also, do not turn your hate upon Astarion. He had no part in my death. He was here to help with the weapon and nothing more. His silence was requested.
... it feels I should say more. But as I wrote before... I said all I think was important already. Know you all have my hope and affection.
Ferdinand
Velvet
Date: 2025-08-16 08:33 pm (UTC)I know what kind of woman you are, so I hope Quark took my request to heart and kept you from doing anything final. But even after the trial, no matter how it ended, I pray you continue- go to the stars, live fully. When I saw the dead you could tell I was upset... because it sprung a hope in me I could not afford. Saints, how hard it was to not tell you then. So many other times as well. I wonder if you noticed how my heart was quaking? I am not a good liar, I never have been. But I have some experience as an actor. And the way of acting over lying is... you pretend in your deepest heart it is real. During these last few weeks I convinced myself I would go with you. I wanted it, so so much. All I said to you and Quark was true. I ached for that future. I love you enough to keep living.
But if it is between me and you... well, you know me well enough.
I hope I can see you again, in happier times. But even if it is at the end of your chain I will be content.
Ferdinand
Quark
Date: 2025-08-16 09:09 pm (UTC)And I did believe it. I want to live. More than anything. I want to go to the stars with you and Velvet. I want to work at the bar and watch Velvet work on her crafts and find some goddessdamned peace. But every person that dies here while I dawdle is more blood on my hands... and I am so tired of blood. I know it is ridiculous, thinking something like this can wash some of it off. I am a fool but I am not stupid, I know it's nothing in comparison. And that even if it was that such things do not matter. No scale, no balance I can maintain and finally sleep at night.
But if I can make sure you get to return to those stars... I have to try. I do not expect you to forgive me. Not after Alex and the others. But I pray... if one day we meet again, that you do not hate me.
Thank you again, for everything.
Ferdinand.